LH's Blog

As I watched some mindless tv (The Thirteenth Warrior) the other day I saw a scene that made me cry. This is not a sign of the coming apocalypse nor are the gods plotting my demise. I do cry but only in certain places and certain company. The wheels began to spin and it truly sank in. I have been close to the darkness and in defiance of it all I spit in deaths face and screamed out loud but shed no tears. In the service of others I have spilt blood, gave blood and tried to stem the flow of it without shedding a single tear. Yet some scene in a movie makes me cry, WTF? Forget all the macho bravado and know: we all cry. To many times we feminize it or class it as weak yet nothing is further from the truth. Still I do not cry (nor do I feel like I am going to) in many places and times. Hummm? Then the comfort safety and solitude of my world gleamed in like the waking sun. We all have been hurt but with every ounce of our very being we refuse to cry in front of the offender. Then when we a...

I pray you fly but never fall May you want but never need Learn to live with all you have Find hope in your weakness See success in your failures Live as if there is no tomorrow Love without fear of being hurt Dance and sing from your heart Believe and trust in yourself Cherish time and enjoy the ride

I saw a poster the other day and it said we close our eyes to kiss, cry and dream. Unfortunately it did not sink in until I get frustrated, took a breath and closed my eyes. The wheels began to spin and I began to look back at some of the times in my life which truly molded me. From anger to yearning all of these (good or bad) held one simple tick: I closed my eyes. From birth we are taught to close your eyes and magic happens. Fast forward to puberty and we (thanks to Hollywood and sappy love stories) hold our breath, close our eyes and hope our kiss is requited. Then I began to remember the bad, the conflicts the anger and those times in which the monster looked back at me; and there is it. No matter how bad there always seemed to be that split second of clarity gleaned from my eyes being closed. Then we come to the core of ourselves, the inner spiritual realm that grounds use. No matter what we believe, feel or think we all close our eyes and ask for help. Now I am at a purely exist...

Several conversations held over the last week led me to this entry. Relationships, life, friends, work and life in general revolve around our evaluation of choices versus consequences yet we fail miserably at being honest with ourselves.  Few know this horrible truth as well as I do but we sometimes cannot get past it. Why is it we can lay down our life for others but we do little to keep ourselves happy let alone make choices to make ourselves happy. It hit me when the call came and the voice on the other end was near complete and utter demise over a choice which to me was crystal clear. Without being the “I told you so” person I listened and allowed them to talk themselves into it. Very often we just need to “hear it come out of our own mouth” to truly grasp the reality of what lies ahead. Once the journey moved off the brink of oblivion to a “comfortable numbness of reality” the question I feared most was asked: “Why didn’t you tell me?” Five simple words that burn like fire and...

You amaze me! I look at you and it makes me want to be a better person. To many times I see this but forget, get to busy or am embarrassed to tell you. To many times in life we don’t see what others see in us. We can never truly be all that people see us as (or we’d all be super heroes) and therefore we don’t see it. But know you inspire and amaze me! I have built my life on my word and my deeds but you only make we want to do more. As I sat in four funerals last year, I was dumbfounded by one thought: did I tell them what they meant? Sadly I hung my head in shame. To many times we stand at the end and speak of a life but they did not know it and they dang sure ain’t hearing it at that point. Even as you read this you have no idea what you did, said or caused me to write this. This is not a futile attempt to announce some disease that is taking my life, I want you know what you mean to me without a cause. In your eyes I see hope and that helps we keep my faith. With your laughter I hea...

NO FEAR my ass, I am scared to death! For me I find this statement concerning. I have spent a large portion of my life in the service of others. Be it as a soldier, a security professional or a pseudo parent protection has been my life for longer than I care to remember. During my rough and tumble life I have been on both side of the coin, I have done good things for/too bad people and bad things for/too good people with ramifications that left scars all over my life. During my career I have seen great people and had the pleasure to speak candidly about some of the work they did. Across the board from all I spoken to, they all point to the standard definition of hero “one who does the job even though fear is paramount”. It is amazing that most never consider themselves hero’s just people doing the job as needed. In that I see and feel the same driving force: fear (like pain) reminds me I am alive and guides me. Fear makes me think, rethink, prepare, pack, unpack and repack. I vividly r...

Funny how life can trigger a memory by a mere smell, glance or song and today it did again. As I listened to Alabama sing “Feels so right” I was transported back to 4H Congress dance from my formidable years. Since I was able to walk my parents made me speak in public (and thank you for it) especially in 4H and FFA affiliated activities. Well little did I know how far or what a benefit that would be. As I spoke at the NC state level 4H competition for several years I began to make friends and have my little crew with me. We did it all together and were inseparable but being pre internet and Facebook we did little in talking over the year so we made up for it when we could. Being a teenager at a large competition of other teenagers was daunting but crazy rewarding. We had the run of NC State University in the summer and we demonstrated our zest for life in all we did. I vividly remember a girl name Helena from 4H camp. She was everything beautiful and different (thanks Keith Urban “Stup...